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August 13, 2020

I am not the biggest Cat in the World.I am a Housecat,not a Tiger. Or a Lion. I am as tough as a Lion or Tiger, but smaller. I am 16 pounds.This is not a lanky lithe 16 pounds.Oh no! Mom likens Me to a Cinderblock.I am chunky and square...you could call Me "Formidable". You could also call also call Me : Handsome, Adorable,Magnificent. That is up to you.Just don't forget Intellectual. I also chase Bugs,but that has nothing to do with Smarts.Mom has had soul- touching conversations with Me right as a Fly flies past. I say : Hold that thought! and ZIP, I am gone! I got to go outside this morning as Mom watered the flowerpots.That is very exciting! One of My favorite chores! However, this morning it was different.I do not like different. Mom woke up in bed,covered in Cats, her pillow missing. No, She did not dream of Marshmellows and eat it.She is on Weight Watchers but has not cracked yet.Her neck was at a weird angle.Like cranning your neck around a corner, like an Eel peeking out of coral.Its too bad that Mom could not move her eel- neck. It was stuck. My Breakfast was delayed.My pets were few and far between, as Mom could not move Her head.But the weather is hot.The flowerpots are full of bargain flowers, wilting .Mom and I headed out to save them. Mom had wrapped an old stomach- wrap Excercise belt around Her neck.Since it is for your waist, Mom had exceptional posture. It is quite wide, this Belt.I was scared at first.WTFrack? I am sure the Neighbors just chalked it up to Crazy Cat Lady. They should thank their lucky stars that Mom wore a bra...the Scaffolding of the Chest...out we went...watering Pot after Pot...until we rounded the corner..into Racoon Toilet Land! Wow! At first it is disgusting. Then you see there is a method to their pooping madness.They poop under Pine Trees.When they run out of room,they fill up the Garden.When that is full, they poop alongside the Garden...the Poop Field slowly taking over the yard like an Algae Bloom in the Ocean, but with shit.Mom and I are tip- toeing,pulling the Hose,watering plants.One would wonder the Percentage/ Chance of stepping in Poop? Save your time, its 95%. We have hand- sanitizer.A very large bottle.We will need it. Do you remember that Commercial " If you think its Butter, but its not,its Chiffon?" Well, if you think its Mud on the hose, but its not...Poor Mom was having a difficult time, unable to bend over,unable to turn Her head,wincing, swearing.About that exact time, I decided I did not want to walk anymore.I meowed, signaling my wish. Nothing. Again: MEOW. Mom said : Pooter, I cannot move my head or bend over...then : MEOW. Mom dropped the hose.She held on to the Maple Tree for support,adjusted her neck- wrap, and on the count of three, hoisted Me up, wincing. I was glad. It was only getting warmer outside, and my feets were getting tired. Mom gingerly navigated the bamboo and poop Field,managing to turn off the spigot with one hand as She clutched her precious Cargo.Me. Those Racoons are very rude and thoughtless,crapping all over our yard, don't you think?


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